So nice to hear from you Ellie! I'm glad to hear you are
thriving. I'm sure grandmotherhood suits you perfectly. I have been thinking
about you recently. My mother passed away on December 30th. I thought you might
like to know. I'm certain that you two had met. It was the end for her. She was 88. All things
considered it was a great ending. She was present right up until the very end.
She had a liver disease that was sapping her strength but not her mind. She
almost died twice in the fall of 2013. She ended up being severely anemic both
times. They never had an explanation for it. The second time was Thanksgiving.
She decided at that time she didn't want to go back to the hospital ever. She
was prescribed in-home Hospice in July of 2014. She was still getting up in the
morning and getting dressed. She would even make a pot of coffee and have some
cookies. Between meals she sat on the couch. She could only get up for a minute
or two and then she didn't feel like she could stand any more. Rhoda moved to
just 5 miles away and I have been going up every other month. With the Hospice
staff making regular visits, we had a few more sets of eyes on her. By all
accounts she was doing surprisingly well. By September though she was even
weaker so Rhoda moved in with her. Rhoda still worked. She's got her own
acupuncture practice so that is highly demanding too. Her mother-in-law
celebrated her 80th birthday in France on Thanksgiving 2014. So, with the
blessing of my employer to work from home,
I moved in with my mom on November 7 so Rhoda could make that trip. My
first week there Ma was very much the same except she weighed only 65 lbs!!
Just skin and bone but still doing crosswords and never missing an episode of
Jeopardy! The second week I was there she announced on Tuesday morning that she
wasn't getting out of bed any more. She spent the next three days in bed but
got up over the weekend and seemed back to normal. That next Tuesday she
announced again that she wasn't getting out of bed anymore. She never did. Not
on her own power. Still she was present. I brought her food and her medicine
and she would complain about both but I would always get her to take them. Near
Thanksgiving she was pretty out of it. Inchorent sometimes. She was talking
about death and saying it was imminent.
I encouraged her to wait until Rhoda
got back from France. Rhoda happened to be coming back on her 88th birthday so
that was added encouragement. She buckled down and made it to Rhoda's return.
We had a nice birthday party for her and she was very happy. Royd had scheduled
a trip to see her on Dec. 12th so that became her next target which she made
easily. She was very much present by the time he arrived and had stopped
talking about death. Rhoda's daughter, Camille, was returning from her Senior
year at Bard for the final time. Mom made that target too. She was doing so
well that I went back to Santa Barbara for a weekend. It seemed like this might
go on for a while. I got permission from Johnson & Johnson to extend my
stay. Working from there was as good, if not better, than me being in the
office. I got back to Mom's on the 22nd
and we had a nice Christmas on the 26th. Camille celebrated on the 25th with
her father. Mom agreed to get in the wheelchair and come out and celebrate
Christmas. That was a first. We got her out on the deck of her condo and she
reveled in the fresh air and bright colors. She had a big window by her bed
which she had been staring out of ever
since she became bed ridden. Being outside was better. A couple days later she
agreed to go out on the deck and we had our breakfast out there. She honked at
the geese as they flew over. The morning of the 29th she was a changed person.
She had this blank stare and stopped talking almost entirely. If I pressed her
she would say "Yes" or "No" or, most commonly, "I don't know." Tuesday the 30th she
was the same. Even though she wouldn't talk to me or look directly at me, she
would hold out her fist to bump like I taught her when she first became bed
ridden. The nurse's aide arrived and asked if she wanted a bed bath and she said "Yes" and even commented that it felt good. The spiritual counselor came next and
they had an intense conversation where my mom said she was seeing her parents
and the counselor encouraged her to let go. Ma said she understood. A few hours
later it was time for her to use the commode and I asked her if she needed to
go and she said yes. I put her on the commode and she never responded. She was
breathing and her eyes were open but she never recognized me. I asked her if
she was going or not and got nothing back. I turned the lights out and put a
flash light in her eyes and there was no pupillary response. When I turned the
lights back on I heard some urine fall in to the bucket and said "Oh you
are peeing" (Amazing how close death had brought us in some ways)
but when I turned to look she was slumped over. She was gone.
It is an epic time El. Not sure if your folks are still
alive but these last few months have been epic. I'm making my way through.
Rhoda and I have been prepping her condo to sell and taking care of all the
business of her passing. I am back at work. Not really liking it but, for the
most part, I can not complain. I'm doing something interesting and getting paid
very nicely. It is a good group of people too so I feel fortunate. Still, I am
lucky enough to be able to pursue a better situation and I think there is a
better situation for me out there so will be doing more exploring. I just got a
call from an old friend who now lives in Raleigh! Maybe North Carolina is
calling me. I will be going to Camille's graduation in NY in May and we are
planning a memorial for my mom in Rochester for July 24th to coincide with her
family's reunion. That will be the
beginning of a new era.
