Universal truth

Instead of comparing our lives to those we consider more fortunate, we should rather compare to all those who have lived.  Then we would see how fortunate we are.  Helen Keller said something like that once. I have been saying something like that for a long time. It bears repeating. I have long felt that there was some universal truth to it.  I am convinced that our ability to compare and contrast is our competitive advantage and this idea of being able to compare our lives to all who have lived, not just humans but all who lived, is a unique ability. So when I read that quote by Helen Keller the other day I was struck once again. And it dawned on me that this could have been practiced by any sentient being and the conclusion would be largely the same - Life is good! At first this struck me as a flaw in the thinking. That if it were true that this maxim could apply to all sentient beings at their time the maxim had no value.  Value comes from singularity doesn't it?  That's what I said to myself. But then it dawned on me that this broad quality approached universality and that there is value in that. Universal truths are the framework. 

If it were true that humans are mainly motivated by pleasure, as some have claimed, it seems that they would endeavor to simplify their lives. Life's simple pleasures are the best. We have been hearing that for millennia. Our experience bears that out. So why do humans complicate their lives? I think it is because they are mainly motivated by fear. Fear is mainly irrational. Of course there are legitimate fears but those generate either paralysis or tightly focused action. Illegitimate fear generates unfocused action.  Because the fear is unfounded there is no concrete target for that action. So life, for many humans, is this series of unfocused actions responding to some irrational fear. This leads to unnecessary complexities. A lot of people are afraid of being alone. In response they create a multitude of affectations. This gives them a sense that they are addressing their aloneness - That they are moving to togetherness. This apparent success breads further affectations. After all if something "works" then it is worth repeating or elaborating. The returns on these apparent successes quickly diminishes because an excess of affectation is counterproductive to relating because so many artificial layers make it difficult to connect on a fundamental level. This connection on a fundamental level is the only emollient for the fear of aloneness. 

Awakening

There is that fundamental energy; that which drives us forward.

It manifests itself strongly in intersexual relationships. The desire to create. It is the core strength.

Brutish. Unrelenting. Overwhelming. Enlightening.

I feel its pull. I grit my teeth. I desire. I will not bow my head.

I love it. I cherish it. I would give it my kiss.

Yes! It is perfect. Love! Love of the deepest kind. 

End of an Era

So nice to hear from you Ellie! I'm glad to hear you are thriving. I'm sure grandmotherhood suits you perfectly. I have been thinking about you recently. My mother passed away on December 30th. I thought you might like to know. I'm certain that you two had met. It was  the end for her. She was 88. All things considered it was a great ending. She was present right up until the very end. She had a liver disease that was sapping her strength but not her mind. She almost died twice in the fall of 2013. She ended up being severely anemic both times. They never had an explanation for it. The second time was Thanksgiving. She decided at that time she didn't want to go back to the hospital ever. She was prescribed in-home Hospice in July of 2014. She was still getting up in the morning and getting dressed. She would even make a pot of coffee and have some cookies. Between meals she sat on the couch. She could only get up for a minute or two and then she didn't feel like she could stand any more. Rhoda moved to just 5 miles away and I have been going up every other month. With the Hospice staff making regular visits, we had a few more sets of eyes on her. By all accounts she was doing surprisingly well. By September though she was even weaker so Rhoda moved in with her. Rhoda still worked. She's got her own acupuncture practice so that is highly demanding too. Her mother-in-law celebrated her 80th birthday in France on Thanksgiving 2014.  So, with the blessing of my employer to work from home,  I moved in with my mom on November 7 so Rhoda could make that trip. My first week there Ma was very much the same except she weighed only 65 lbs!! Just skin and bone but still doing crosswords and never missing an episode of Jeopardy! The second week I was there she announced on Tuesday morning that she wasn't getting out of bed any more. She spent the next three days in bed but got up over the weekend and seemed back to normal. That next Tuesday she announced again that she wasn't getting out of bed anymore. She never did. Not on her own power. Still she was present. I brought her food and her medicine and she would complain about both but I would always get her to take them. Near Thanksgiving she was pretty out of it. Inchorent sometimes. She was talking about death and saying it was imminent.

I encouraged her to wait until Rhoda got back from France. Rhoda happened to be coming back on her 88th birthday so that was added encouragement. She buckled down and made it to Rhoda's return. We had a nice birthday party for her and she was very happy. Royd had scheduled a trip to see her on Dec. 12th so that became her next target which she made easily. She was very much present by the time he arrived and had stopped talking about death. Rhoda's daughter, Camille, was returning from her Senior year at Bard for the final time. Mom made that target too. She was doing so well that I went back to Santa Barbara for a weekend. It seemed like this might go on for a while. I got permission from Johnson & Johnson to extend my stay. Working from there was as good, if not better, than me being in the office.  I got back to Mom's on the 22nd and we had a nice Christmas on the 26th. Camille celebrated on the 25th with her father. Mom agreed to get in the wheelchair and come out and celebrate Christmas. That was a first. We got her out on the deck of her condo and she reveled in the fresh air and bright colors. She had a big window by her bed which she had been staring out of  ever since she became bed ridden. Being outside was better. A couple days later she agreed to go out on the deck and we had our breakfast out there. She honked at the geese as they flew over. The morning of the 29th she was a changed person. She had this blank stare and stopped talking almost entirely. If I pressed her she would say "Yes" or "No" or, most commonly, "I don't know." Tuesday the 30th she was the same. Even though she wouldn't talk to me or look directly at me, she would hold out her fist to bump like I taught her when she first became bed ridden. The nurse's aide arrived and asked if she wanted a bed bath and she said "Yes" and even commented that it felt good. The spiritual counselor came next and they had an intense conversation where my mom said she was seeing her parents and the counselor encouraged her to let go. Ma said she understood. A few hours later it was time for her to use the commode and I asked her if she needed to go and she said yes. I put her on the commode and she never responded. She was breathing and her eyes were open but she never recognized me. I asked her if she was going or not and got nothing back. I turned the lights out and put a flash light in her eyes and there was no pupillary response. When I turned the lights back on I heard some urine fall in to the bucket and said "Oh you are peeing" (Amazing how close death had brought us in some ways) but when I turned to look she was slumped over. She was gone.

It is an epic time El. Not sure if your folks are still alive but these last few months have been epic. I'm making my way through. Rhoda and I have been prepping her condo to sell and taking care of all the business of her passing. I am back at work. Not really liking it but, for the most part, I can not complain. I'm doing something interesting and getting paid very nicely. It is a good group of people too so I feel fortunate. Still, I am lucky enough to be able to pursue a better situation and I think there is a better situation for me out there so will be doing more exploring. I just got a call from an old friend who now lives in Raleigh! Maybe North Carolina is calling me. I will be going to Camille's graduation in NY in May and we are planning a memorial for my mom in Rochester for July 24th to coincide with her family's reunion.  That will be the beginning of a new era.